It’s not realistic to blame all your current issues on the past. That said, it’s self-sabotaging to not explore your past when seeking to heal your wounds today. An excellent starting point for this journey involves a concept called attachment theory. In a nutshell, this approach focuses on the intense influence our childhood has on our relationships (partners, friends, family, etc.) today.
This influence may be far from obvious, but it’s there, and it can be creating patterns that keep you from feeling secure. Ideally, in early childhood, everyone would enjoy a secure attachment with their parents and caretakers. More often than not, this is not the case, and the result can be an anxious attachment style.
Secure vs. Anxious
To understand how useful this information can be, let’s take a brief look at how secure and anxious attachments can play out in potentially volatile situations. When emotional triggers are encountered, here’s how two different styles may respond:
Secure
Someone with a secure attachment style will typically understand that their emotions will impact their thoughts and actions. Thus, they may step away from the situation to avoid impulsivity. From there, they can talk to trusted loved ones, write in their journal, or do something that calms them.
Anxious
Conversely, if you associate anxiety with your attachments, the strong emotions can trigger feelings of fear or fixation. You wonder if the connection will last and perhaps respond with anger or submission. Your behavioral choices can involve jealousy, being needy, passive-aggressive gestures, or becoming self-sacrificing in the hope that the other person is soothed.
Which one sounds more like you?
Anxious Attachment Basics
An anxious attachment arises when a child does not receive reliable, nurturing, and loving care. They face inconsistency, distance, guilt, shame, neglect, etc. The parent may not intend to do this, but this template sets up the child to struggle with adult scenarios like someone forgetting your birthday or getting home late without warning you. Simply put, if anyone you care about behaves unpredictably, it can trigger deeply embedded fears and resentments.
But there’s good news: Attachment styles can be addressed and changed!
Healing from Anxious Attachment: Steps Towards Secure Bonds
A two-pronged approach of therapy and self-help is a proven path for discerning more about your style and making the changes you desire. This combination is shown to help bring about crucial shifts like:
- Acceptance: It can feel daunting to acknowledge painful past experiences, but you understand how important this is when it comes to recovery.
- Clarity: You begin the exciting process of identifying and naming your emotions and needs as an individual. This can eradicate distorted thinking patterns in all aspects of your life.
- Expression: You get increasingly comfortable when expressing attachment-based needs.
- Triggers: As you gain awareness, you’ll be able to recognize triggers and take powerful steps to not be reactive in such instances.
- Communication: Committing to the lifelong journey of honing your communication skills.
- Risks: Getting more comfortable taking risks in relationships and friendships because you trust yourself and others.
- Boundaries: You no longer view healthy boundaries as a negative.
- Self-Esteem: The above steps will reduce shame in your life and, in turn, enhance your self-image.
- Coping Skills: Even the most secure person feels frustration or concern. A secure attachment style empowers you to handle these inevitable moments with emotional intelligence.
Work with a Counselor in Phoenix, Scottsdale, and Online in Arizona
Working with an experienced therapist will make all of the above run more smoothly. It also gives you an immediate opportunity to connect with someone in a secure manner. Your weekly sessions become a trial-and-error workshop to unlearn negative lessons and re-imagine your place in the world. Many of our therapists work from at attachment theory perspective and can help you understand how your attachment style impacts your relationships. We are happy to offer a complimentary 20-minute phone consultation for you to ask questions about attachment-based therapy. Our locations for counseling are located throughout the valley with counseling centers located in Phoenix, Anthem, Scottsdale and online anywhere in Arizona. You can start your therapy journey with Crossroads Counseling by following these simple steps:
- Contact Crossroads Counseling for a complimentary 20-minute phone consult
- Meet with a attachment-based therapist
- Start the healing process
Feel free to learn more about our practice by visiting our about page, FAQ, and blog, or read more about our staff members to start finding your best therapeutic fit! or, call us at 623-680-3486, text 623-688-5115, or email info@crossroadsfcc.com for more information! To learn more about attachment styles click here.
