Attachment-Based Therapy

Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, they usually turn their attention outward. This is sometimes referred to in attachment literature as the “dependency paradox”: The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.”
– Amir Levine, Attached

Do you struggle with insecurity?

Do you struggle with feelings of low self-worth?  Are you tired of struggling in relationship after relationship?  Do you find it difficult to connect vulnerably with others?  Do you obsess over your relationships questioning if others really care and are there for you when you need them the most?  Or maybe you don’t allow yourself to get too close to others out of a fear of rejection preferring to be distant in relationships.  Perhaps you desire intimate relationships but experience intense fear followed by behavior that hijack the relationship when the connection becomes too close.  If any of these pattern of behaviors describe how you relate to others (especially in romantic relationships) it is highly likely you have an insecure attachment style.

Insecure Attachment

Attachment styles and strategies develop in childhood and carry into adulthood.  Insecure attachment develops when one’s primary parent/caregiver is intentionally or unintentionally misattuned towards a child’s physical and emotional needs.  Insecure attachment also forms when parents/caregivers are chaotic, abusive, or neglectful.   The misattunement, chaos, abuse, and neglect in childhood creates a template for how one views self and others and how one operates in relationships.    Insecurely attached people develop strategies of self-protective behaviors based on a continuum of avoidance and anxiety which constitute the three types insecure attachment:  anxious/preoccupied, avoidant/dismissive, and disorganized/fearful-avoidant.

Insecure anxious/preoccupied attachment is high on anxiety and low on the avoidance.  Those with insecure anxious/preoccupied attachment style often experience fear of abandonment and neglect and have a strong need for reassurance and validation.  Other common characteristics of anxious attachment are hypervigilance in relationships, clinginess and neediness, overdependence on partners, and emotional instability.  Insecure-anxious attached people view themselves as unloveable and others as unreliable.

Insecure avoidant/dismissive attachment is high on avoidance and low on anxiety.  Those with insecure avoidant/dismissive attachment style often have a fear of rejection with a strong need for distance and separation in relationships.  Other common characteristics of avoidant attachment style are avoiding commitment, preferring to be alone when distressed or upset, low self-esteem, and difficulty accepting criticism.  Insecure-avoidant attached people view themselves as not good enough and others as unreliable.

Insecure disorganized/fearful-avoidant attachment is high on avoidance and anxiety.  Those with this type of attachment style experience the “push-pull” dynamic in relationships where one alternates between seeking extreme closeness and then pushing away.  Some common characteristics of insecure disorganized attachment style are difficulty trusting others, unpredictable emotions, intense fear of abandonment or rejection, and sending mixed signals in romantic relationships.  Insecure-disorganized people see themselves as unloveable and unworthy.  They often view others as dangerous and not to be trusted while simultaneously wanting to be close.

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment is low on avoidance and anxiety.  Securely attached people are comfortable with intimacy and can express their needs openly.  They trust and rely on others and know their value.  Those with secure attachment are interdependent meaning they have healthy balance relying on each other for support and connection while maintaining their own autonomy and sense of self.  Finally, those who are securely attached generally experience higher level of fulfillment in their relationships due to being comfortable with intimacy and in their own skin.

You Can Grow Into Secure Attachment

If you recognize yourself in any of the above insecure attachment styles there is hope.  You can move from insecure attachment into secure attachment. Researchers have coined the term, “Earned Secure Attachment” or ESA for short.  ESA is when a person develops secure, healthy relationship patterns in adulthood despite having insecure attachment styles in their childhood.  There are many ways to cultivate ESA in your life.   Working with an attachment-based therapist to explore your past and how it influences how you relate to others is an important first step.  This creates greater self-awareness.  Along with increased self-awareness you will need self-compassion to help heal the parts of you that are wounded and did not get what they needed growing up.

Attachment-based therapy will help you to discover your internal value and learn how to connect with all the parts of who you are and with safe others in healthier ways.  This means learning how and when to be vulnerable with your emotions and needs.  Finally, your therapist can be act as your safe haven and secure base to help you go out into your world with greater level of confidence and support.  This will help you to establish relationships with other securely attached people to form your own support systems.

At Crossroads, we offer attachment-based therapy for individuals utilizing Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy, and Internal Family Systems.

We offer attachment-based therapy for families and couples utilizing Emotionally Focused Therapy which, at its core, is based on attachment theory and principles.

In addition to these services, our therapists can help you identify your attachment style and move towards earned secure attachment.