When we become parents we are given an incredible opportunity to grow as individuals because we ourselves are put back into an intimate parent-child relationship, this time in a different role.”
– Dan J. Siegel, Parenting from the Inside Out

Attachment Based Parenting

As a parent it is important that you do your own work and healing any potential attachment hurts or issues.  To be bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind parent/caregiver takes self-awareness and being securely attached.  In the book, Parenting from the Inside Out, authors Dan J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell write:  “As we grow and understand ourselves we can offer a foundation of emotional well-being and security that enables our children to thrive. Research in the field of child development has demonstrated that a child’s security of attachment to parents is very strongly connected to the parents’ understanding of their own early-life experiences. (p. 1 Parenting from the Inside Out).  They continue:
“Experiences that are not fully processed may create unresolved and leftover issues that influence how we react to our children” (p. 13 Parenting from the Inside Out).

Parenting counseling, therapy, and support at Crossroads Counseling can help you to understand your own story, find healing, and to parent your child from a place of secure attachment.   You will learn how to help your child become securely attached by promoting the child’s going out (secure base) to explore and coming in (safe haven) and through practicing what Dan J. Siegel has identified as the 4 S’s of secure attachment:  safe, seen, soothed, and secure.

Practicing the 4 S’s of attachment parenting will help our children to internalize self-worth and that there are others they can rely and depend to be there when needed.  This is what helps children develop secure attachment.

In the absence of a parent/caregiver who is responsive to a child’s emotional/relational needs is when insecure attachment is more likely to develop.

The model on the right shows how avoidance and anxiety exist on a continuum from high to low.  Emotionally unavailable, lack of attuned & nurturing parenting results in the strategy of reducing dependence on caregivers & others. This is a shutting down of the attachment system & being highly independent.  In the chart above, it is listed as dismissing but is more commonly known as insecure-avoidant.

Highly inconsistent parenting, sometimes responsive & attuned, sometimes absent, insensitive, & critical, results in the strategy of seeking high levels of intimacy and approval while struggling to receive comfort.  This is the preoccupied quadrant on the chart listed above.  This is also commonly referred to as insecure-anxious.

Finally, frightening, alarm-inducing, abusive, & neglectful parenting with high avoidance and high anxiety can result in fearful or insecure fearful-avoidant attachment.  This is most common when the parent/caregiver is dangerous and chaotic. The parent repeatedly makes the child feel afraid resulting in extreme behaviors, emotional dysregulation, & dissociation.

There is good news.  Our brains are very malleable.  What this means is that if you are a parent that recognizes insecure attachment in yourself, you can move into secure attachment.  Even more, you can help your child also move from insecure attachment into secure attachment.  This is where working with a professional counselor or therapist who understands attachment can be invaluable.

Parenting Styles

Another framework utilized at Crossroads Counseling to help you understand yourself as a parent and for more effective parenting is to
explore your parenting style. Developed by Diana Baumrind, EleanorMaccoby, and John Martin, this model looks at parenting from the lens of parental responsiveness and demandingness.
Responsiveness is essentially attachment in that it refers to meeting your child’s emotional, relational, and attachment based needs.  Demandingness refers to such concepts as expectations, rules, authority, and control.

The illustration shows the 4 different parenting styles:  authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and uninvolved.  Each parenting style has a correlation with development of attachment styles.  For instance, authoritative parents who are high on both demandingness and responsiveness are more likely to have securely attached children.  Conversely, the uninvolved parenting style is more likely to create insecure fearful-avoidant attachment.

Understanding your parenting style (and the parenting style of your spouse/partner) can help you make necessary shifts in how you interact with your child.  It can help you to understand you and your spouse/partner’s strength and weaknesses.

But, You May Still Have Questions Or Concerns…

I want to learn how to manage my child’s behavior.

There are many behavior modification parenting programs that will help you manage your child’s behavior.  These are not bad programs at all.  In fact, we do recommend some behavior modification interventions.  However, the research points to securely attached children growing into adults who tend to have more satisfying, stable relationships, better mental health, and greater ease in expressing emotions compared to those with insecure attachment styles.  These children are more comfortable with intimacy, better at communicating their needs (especially attachment based needs), and are generally more resilient partly because they can turn to others during times of uncertainty, stress, fear, and worry.

I don’t want to have to do my own work.

Someone wise once said that everything you want in life is on the other side of fear.  Facing your own attachment history can be daunting and even scary.  However, meeting with a therapist who can walk with you exploring your attachment history, attachment strategies, and your attachment style so that you can experience the joys of secure attachment within yourself and with others is worth facing whatever fears you may have.  You, your children, your spouse/partner, are worth the investment.  By the way, there is an attachment style quiz and a parenting style quiz to help learn more about yourself.  While these are not scientific, the quizzes can be helpful.  Click here to be redirected to our quiz page.

I am ready to get started; what are my next steps…

Making the decision to seek support and help can feel intimidating.  We offer a complementary 20-minute phone consultation. Our locations for parenting counseling, therapy, and support are located throughout the valley with counseling centers located in Phoenix, Anthem, Paradise Valley, online therapy throughout Arizona, and Scottsdale.   Call us at 623-680-3486,text 623-688-5115, or email info@crossroadsfcc.com for a free 20-minute phone consultation. When you’re ready to explore how teen counseling can benefit your child, give us a call at 623-680-3486 or email info@crossroadsfcc.com.