People-pleasing can stem from a variety of issues. If you constantly go out of your way to put others first, even at a cost to you, you’re not just being kind and giving. People-pleasing can take a toll on your mental and physical well-being, so it’s important to understand where it comes from.
One of the potential factors often connected to people-pleasing is trauma. Whether you experienced neglect as a child, you’ve been through a harmful relationship, or you witnessed a traumatic experience that changed the way you see yourself and the world, the link is clear.
With that in mind, let’s dig deeper into the roots of people-pleasing and see how it can be closely connected to trauma. The more you understand that connection, the easier it might be to start healing from your traumatic experience and the issues that go with it.
A Defense Mechanism
When you go through a traumatic event, your brain will do whatever it takes to make you feel safe. It’s a natural defense mechanism designed to protect you. But, if the effects of trauma linger, that defense mechanism will, too, which can make it difficult to move forward and process what you’ve been through effectively.
People-pleasing is one of those defense mechanisms. As you seek to please others, you’re trying to protect yourself from things like potential confrontation. Or, you simply might be looking for reassurance from them as a way to experience comfort and temporary relief from the effects of trauma.
A traumatic experience — especially at a young age — tends to create an influx of activity in the center of the brain responsible for emotions. This causes people who have experienced trauma to lead with those emotions instead of focusing on rational thinking. Unfortunately, it’s often done at the expense of their own well-being.
What Does People-Pleasing Look Like?
There’s a difference between enjoying doing things for others and being a people-pleaser. Some of the common signs of people-pleasing include feeling like you can’t say no to people’s requests, doing whatever you can to avoid conflict, and suppressing your own wants, needs, and even feelings to help someone else.
Sound familiar? People-pleasing tends to put your well-being in the background. Maybe you’re afraid of confrontation or you want people to like you. Maybe you feel the need to apologize for everything, even when you haven’t done anything wrong. Low self-esteem is another sign of people-pleasing. Unfortunately, no matter how much you do for others you’re likely to never feel better about yourself from that alone.
What Can You Do?
There’s nothing wrong with helping others, but it shouldn’t be done at the expense of your own health. It also shouldn’t be done because you need reassurance or you want to avoid a potential conflict.
People-pleasing can serve as a way to combat the fear, anxiety, and feelings of guilt and shame often associated with trauma. But, it’s an unhealthy coping mechanism that can leave you feeling worse about yourself.
If you struggle with being a people-pleaser, one of the best ways to combat it is to get to the bottom of your trauma. That’s not something you have to do alone. It’s not uncommon for people to avoid thinking about their trauma, especially if it occurred in childhood.
Begin Working With A Therapist in Phoenix, Scottsdale, and Online in Arizona
Therapy is a great way to open up the past in a safe setting. Your therapist will walk with you through the experience. So, you can start to process what happened and your emotions effectively. As you start to heal from trauma, you’ll also learn the skills necessary to overcome some of its effects — including people-pleasing.
Our team of caring therapists offers a 20-minute complimentary phone call. You can ask all the questions you have and see if counseling at our Phoenix, Anthem, Scottsdale.and online in Arizona is the right fit for you. To start your therapy journey, please follow these simple steps:
- Contact Crossroads Counseling for a complimentary 20-minute phone consult
- Meet with a caring therapist
- Start the process of learning how to set boundaries in your life
Feel free to call contact us at by calling 623-680-3486, texting 623-688-5115, or emailing info@crossroadsfcc.com.
