Conflict is an inevitable part of human relationships, whether with romantic partners, family members, friends, or colleagues. While disagreements themselves aren’t inherently destructive, the way we handle them can either strengthen or severely damage our connections with others.
Most of us weren’t taught effective conflict resolution skills growing up, which means we often fall into the same counterproductive patterns our parents or caregivers modeled for us. Understanding what not to do during conflict is just as important as knowing healthy strategies. By recognizing these common pitfalls, you can begin to break destructive cycles and build more authentic, resilient relationships.
Keeping Score: The Relationship Ledger
Some people approach conflict like accountants, keeping a mental ledger of who did what, who apologized more, or who was “right” last time. This scorekeeping mentality turns relationships into competitions where someone has to win and someone has to lose. Healthy relationships aren’t transactions where favors, apologies, or compromises must always be perfectly balanced. When you find yourself thinking, “I apologized last time, so now it’s their turn,” you’ve shifted from partnership to competition.
The Silent Treatment: Weaponizing Withdrawal
One of the most damaging conflict behaviors is stonewalling or giving someone the silent treatment. This involves completely shutting down communication, refusing to engage, or physically or emotionally withdrawing as a form of punishment. While taking space to calm down is healthy, using silence as a weapon creates emotional distance and prevents resolution. The person on the receiving end often feels abandoned, rejected, and desperate for reconnection, which can escalate their distress. If you need time to process your emotions, communicate that explicitly rather than disappearing without explanation.
Mind Reading: Assuming You Know Their Intentions
Another common pitfall is assuming you know why someone did something or what they were thinking without asking them directly. Statements like “You did that just to hurt me” or “You obviously don’t care about this relationship” assign motivations that may be completely inaccurate. Mind reading prevents genuine understanding and often escalates conflict because the other person feels misunderstood and falsely accused. Even if someone’s behavior hurt you, their intention may have been entirely different from what you imagined.
Character Assassination: Attacking the Person, Not the Problem
When conflicts escalate, it’s tempting to shift from discussing behavior to attacking someone’s character. Phrases like “You’re so selfish,” “You never care about anyone but yourself,” or “You’re just like your mother” are examples of character assassination. These global statements about who someone is feel deeply wounding and put them on the defensive immediately. Instead of critiquing the person’s essence, focus on specific behaviors and their impact: “When you canceled our plans without notice, I felt unimportant.”
Kitchen Sinking: Bringing Up Everything at Once
Kitchen sinking occurs when you throw every past grievance, unrelated issue, and accumulated resentment into one argument. Instead of addressing the specific conflict at hand, you suddenly bring up what happened three months ago, last year, or even a decade earlier. This overwhelms the other person, makes them feel attacked from all sides, and derails any possibility of resolving the actual issue. Effective conflict resolution requires staying focused on one topic at a time and addressing concerns as they arise rather than stockpiling ammunition.
Healthy Conflict Resolution
Recognizing these patterns in yourself is the first step toward healthier conflict resolution. When you catch yourself falling into these traps, pause and redirect your approach. Focus on understanding rather than winning, on specific behaviors rather than character attacks, and on genuine communication rather than manipulation. Conflict handled well can actually deepen intimacy and trust. Therapy can be a powerful way to start this journey. Contact a mental health professional for more information! Our team of caring therapists offers a 20-minute complimentary phone consultation. You can ask all the questions you have and see if counseling at our Phoenix, Anthem, Scottsdale.and online in Arizona is the right fit for you.
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