Did you know that how you form relationships as an adult depends on your childhood? This is seemingly a weird fact, however we are taught at a very young age how to connect with other people. When we were children, our bonds with our caregivers indicated how we would likely bond with future relationships.
Attachment Styles
John Bowlby was a psychiatrist who came up with the Attachment Theory. Since our parents were the first social interactions we were introduced to, this relationship set the framework with how we form adult relationships. There are four different styles:
- Anxious
- Avoidant
- Disorganized
- Secure
Each attachment style has their own set of feelings and symptoms. It is also possible to experience more than one attachment style.
Symptoms of Avoidant Attachment
Individuals with avoidant/dismissive attachment often come from parents who were unavailable to provide emotional support or rejected attempts at their children seeking comfort. This causes children to distance themselves emotionally and self-soothe. Individuals with avoidant attachment:
- May be social, easy-going, and fun to be around
- Have lots of friends and/or sexual partners
- Are seemingly never alone
- Are Independent
- Have high-self-esteem and confidence
When it comes to the avoidant adult, their relationships seem to be all surface level. You know the basic information about them, but when it comes to anything on a “deeper” level, they will not let you in.
As soon as relationships head in a more serious direction, it is possible that these individuals will pull away and create distance. This is a direct result of their upbringing; caregivers in their lives proved that people cannot be reliable, especially when it came to emotional connection. So, the avoidant person will stop seeking this altogether.
Avoidant Attachment and Intimacy
Emotional intimacy and closeness are often off the table for the avoidant individual — mainly because they do not know how to be vulnerable. Acknowledging and expressing emotions was never taught to them, therefore they may be inexperienced with feelings.
They tend to pull away out of fear; being alone is much safer than trying to tap into an emotional side of them they never had the chance to explore. Trying to form meaningful and long-lasting relationships can be challenging with avoidant attachment styles, and even more painful for those that love them.
…Now What?
Recognition is always the first step. Once you realize that you may have avoidant attachment style, you can now make the changes necessary. How exactly do you change?
- Learn to identify your emotions by asking yourself, “What do I feel?” Understand your thoughts and feelings around emotional intimacy and try to make connections back to your relationship with your caregivers. Self-reflection is so important and may require a lot of effort.
- Express your needs. Another way to overcome avoidant tendencies is to learn how to communicate what you need from your partner. First, you must understand your own emotional needs and how to meet them.
- Patience — with yourself and your partner. Working your way towards a more earned secure attachment style takes time, communication, and the ability to accept mistakes and take responsibility. As the person in a relationship with an avoidant adult, you may have to work on your own patience and communication.
- Eventually you will work on building your relationship with others. As an avoidant adult, it will be natural to result back to old patterns. Remember that it takes work and to not give up hope if you find yourself pulling away.
- Seek help. To help yourself form meaningful relationships and understand the root of your avoidance, schedule an appointment with an attachment focused therapist. They can guide you in your journey to understanding yourself and help you navigate future relationships. Learn to be vulnerable in a safe and judgement free space. Reach out and schedule a session today!
Begin Working With an Attachment Therapist in Phoenix, Scottsdale, And Online in Arizona
To talk to a mental health professional about starting counseling or therapy please feel free to learn more about our practice by visiting our about page, FAQ, and blog, or read more about our staff members to start finding your best therapeutic fit! Call us at 623-680-3486, text 623-688-5115, or email info@crossroadsfcc.com for more information! We have offices in Phoenix, Scottsdale, and virtually in Arizona with online counseling.
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- Contact Crossroads Counseling for a complimentary 20-minute phone consult
- Meet with an attachment focused therapist
- Start your journey towards becoming securely attached.
