10 Tips For Women: How To Encourage Your Husband!

Women's Counseling

10 Tips for Women: How To Encourage Your Husband!

I have enlisted the help of my wife and other women to gather my top 10 tips on how women can show love to the important man in their life and have a better understanding his needs.

Be his number 1 fan.

Be his # 1 fan. 

Every guy, even those who appear to be strong and independent, needs to know and feel that his lady believes in him.  The truth is men are stronger and better able to meet challenges when they have your support, your encouragement, and have you in their corner.

You have the right to complain but please don’t criticize. 

Marital researcher John Gottman has done a lot of wonderful work in the area of complaints and criticisms.  There is a difference between complaining and criticizing that really needs to be understood.  A complaint focuses on a specific issue, is void of attacks on personality or character, a direct expression of anger or displeasure, and focuses on a behavior to be changed.  On the other hand, a criticism is global (not focused on one issue) contains blame, and attacks the person versus the behavior.  Criticism does not show respect or love and will break down the relationship.

Sex is not all physical.

This may be controversial but sex for men is not the be all and end all in a relationship.  Don’t get me wrong.  Many men have a distorted view of sex and its purpose in a relationship.  However, sex can be one of the primary ways men reach out for emotional closeness and bonding.  It is common for men to reach out sexually when on a deeper level he needs emotional closeness.  This topic is worthy of an article of its own so keep your eyes open for one in the future.  Curious how often couples should be having sex.  Click here to read a blog on this topic.

Don’t be afraid to let him know you need him.

When you show your vulnerability, that you need your man on the deepest level, it reinforces the bond between the two of you and strengthens the emotional connection. Men receive a lot of satisfaction and joy when they are able to provide safety, security and in knowing that their love is good enough.

Be clear and direct with your wants, needs, and desires.

The story repeats itself over and over again.  Jane says, “Bob, the trash is full.”  Bob takes a mental note that the trash is full and goes on watching the game.  Minutes later Jane is pissed that Bob has not taken out the garbage.  When you want to communicate with your guy be direct with what it is you would like to see.  Keep it simple, direct, and don’t fall into the trap of hinting because guys are dense and do not get the subtle clues.

Machismo versus sensitivity.

There are a lot of guys who have a hard and brittle outside with a soft, loving, and sensitive inside.  If you are having problems engaging and connecting with your man it may be due socialization or his defense mechanism.  Men are taught to be strong, not show emotion, and that doing so is a sign of weakness.  Like women, men need to feel safe if they are to show vulnerability.  They need to know they will not be judged, viewed as weak, and that they will be accepted.  You can encourage him to open up by reassuring him of your love, support, and care.

No fear and shame

When I was a kid one of the most popular shirts for guys had the phrase, “No Fear.”  The truth is men do have fear.  Men also struggle with shame. What I have learned is that some of men’s greatest fears and messages of shame are that they will not be good enough and that they will be viewed as disappointing to those who mean the most.  These fears and feelings of inadequacy often cause a man to shut down and disconnect.  You can respond to these with love, sensitivity, reassurance, and acceptance.  To learn more about shame click here.

“You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”   

These are the words of Dr. Bruce Banner whose alter ego is the Hulk.  When you see your man transforming into the giant green beast keep in mind this simple rule:  Where there is anger, there is hurt.  Men have been taught that anger is the one emotion that is socially acceptable to display.  When you see your guy react defensively know that he’s probably hurt, sad, feeling rejected, or some other deeper emotion.

All you need is love. 

The Beatles got it right.  Love is the greatest force in the universe and it has the power to transform and heal.  Tell him every day how much you love him and how much his love means to you and to your family.  Remember that love is patient, kind, keeps no records of wrongs, protects, hopes, perseveres, and is not self-seeking.

2-4-6-8 Who Do We Appreciate!

My readers have given great suggestions on how to show appreciation to your husband or the important man in your life.  Here are a few:  1. Buy him an I-PAD.  2.  Keep yourself healthy.  3. Wear his favorite lingerie.  4.  Make their favorite meal.  5.  Set time aside to do something that he enjoys.

Next Steps

If you are having relationship struggles please call us at 623-680-3486,text 623-688-5115, or email info@crossroadsfcc.com.  You can ask all the questions you have and see if couples therapy at Crossroads is the right fit for you and your partner. You can also learn more about Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) as well. Our offices are conveniently located throughout the Valley of the Sun including Phoenix, Anthem, teletherapy in Arizona, and Scottsdale. We would be honored to support you in better understanding your relationship. You can start your therapy journey by following these simple steps:

  1. Contact Crossroads Counseling
  2. Meet with a therapist for women
  3. Begin addressing your relationship struggles