Discernment Counseling for Couples

Discernment Counseling is a type of short-term couples intervention (typically 1–6 sessions) designed to help those who aren’t sure whether they should continue their relationship or marriage. When one member or both members in the relationship are not sure about staying together it is referred to as a mixed agenda couple or an ambivalent couple. If both you and your partner are on the fence about staying together or even committing to the process of couples counseling then Discernment Counseling may be the best option.

It’s important to understand that even though the intervention is called Discernment Counseling it is more of an intervention than it is counseling. Marriage counseling and couples therapy are utilized when both members in the relationship are united in the goal to stay together and work on relational dynamics. In Discernment Counseling, the Discernment Counselor is not providing the same types of interventions that would be utilized in traditional couples therapy.

An analogy to help make the distinction more clear is how in couples therapy the couple is receiving the medicine. In contrast, in Discernment Counseling the couple is in the process of deciding if they want to receive the medicine. The goals are to help both the leaning in partner and the leaning out partner to gain a better understanding of their story and how they have arrived at their current destination. It is also to help both partners determine if they should stay and take the medicine or leave the relationship. The Discernment Counselor works to bring about clarity, understanding and direction. When there is greater clarity and understanding there can be a shift to focusing on what direction to take next. You and your spouse/partner will talk about next steps.

In the process of Discernment Counseling the goal is to bring about greater clarity, confidence, understanding, and direction. It is a short term approach typically lasting 1–6 sessions. It is a combination of both individual sessions and sessions with both you and your spouse/partner participating together.

At the conclusion of the discernment process you and your spouse/partner aren’t given an endless list of options to make things more confusing. Essentially, you have three choices: maintaining the status quo, committing to take the medicine meaning a whole hearted effort usually involving weekly individual and couples therapy sessions for a period of 6 months to learn if you can save the marriage/relationship, or moving to dissolve the relationship and to do so in the most amicable way possible.

As you consider those possible outcomes, your Discernment Counselor will meet with you both separately and together. You’ll cover negative patterns that might be contributing to your relationship issues. Your Discernment Counselor might ask what you’ve already done to try to save the relationship. You will be asked and challenged to not only focus on your spouse/partner but to also examine the ways you have contributed to the relational dynamics. You might also be asked to think about happier times, identify strengths, and what was going on when your relationship felt strong and healthy.

After meeting individually with your Discernment Counselor, you’ll come together at the end of each session. It’s up to you if you want to continue. This type of therapy typically works on a session-by-session basis. Most couples complete anywhere from 1–6 sessions.